NYC

I was born and raised in NYC. This technically makes me a New Yorker. As cool as this title sounds (hey, it beats Los Angelino anyday...*smirk*), I feel I no longer have the right to this claim. Here are a couple reasons why:

1. I no longer have eyes in the back of my head. New Yorkers have this habit of making sure nobody is out to mug/jump/rape/kill them. In NY, a casual glance across the street or a quick, yes-I-AM-awesome check in a reflective store window, also consists of a quick peek to your 6 o'clock. This is done seamlessly and effortlessly through the corner of your field of vision. I don't do this anymore. Hell, I barely even walk anymore.


2. I no longer lock shit up. My door in NY had 4 locks that were constantly engaged, and our car was always Clubbed. Today, after coming home from the beach with sand up my asscrack, I left my car unlocked (on the street) and strolled straight into my unlocked home. My mini-pincher trotted up to lick the salt off my legs, and my golden retriever lazily lifted her head and then promptly went back to sleep. One time, I jumped through the door wearing a Scream mask while yelling, "OOGA BOOGA!" but they just ran up to me with waggy tails. It's cute, but I think it's time I start outsourcing because they sure as hell ain't living up to the "watch out for dogs minions from hell" sign I was considering putting up. Because shit, how cool would that be?
   


3. My wardrobe consists almost entirely of jeans, board shorts, flip-flops, skate shoes, and tshirts. I can't stand humidity, and I suffer from a (life-or-death) condition when subjected to cold weather. (It's my first sickness/disease ever, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm a little excited in bringing it up at every possible opportunity.)
   


4. I no longer have a New Yawk accent, and I've forgotten the native slang. When I first moved here, everyone had a blast, imitating me. Funny thing is, I couldn't tell I had one even when it was pointed out. Now that I've lost it, I can totally hear it. For example, "how awe ya?" = "how are you?", "washda closendaws" = "watch the closing doors", and my personal favorite,"get da fuck outta my face" = "excuse me, thanks".

As long as I have a fast internet connection, a nearby Costco, kick-ass beaches, and cheap mexican food, I don't really care where I live. Sorry NYC, Jones Beach blows (you know this). Sorry Berkeley, your Bay doesn't even count. Now all I need is a jillion dollars so I can buy a run-down shack out in Hermosa Beach.