I'm Sexual

(strong intro/conclusion version)

(because that's what matters most, right?)


Once upon a time, many years before the dawn of the Metrosexual Liberation Movement, I was a fashion-concsious youth in search of his identity. Glossy men's magazines were unheard of in those days, and it was an unspoken understanding that the fashionable youth needed to achieve this status as naturally and as subtly as possible. Woe to the undercover metro who failed at this task, for his masculinity would undoubtedly be placed under scrutiny by an ignorant and metropressive society. Woe I say. Woe.

[smug smile of satisfaction for repeated use of cool word]

What gives? Why is it cool to be metro these days? I used to have to work my ass off to hide the fact that I cared about my appearance. I remember secretly using my girlfriend's facial scrub, followed by some kind of toner thing, along with a whole bunch of other "invigorizing" and "anti-wrinkle" stuff with mysterious labels on them. These days, all the skin care counters at the department stores have a little section for men's stuff. I no longer have a need for these products because I found a bottle of Shiseido "Youth Serum" in my mom's drawer, which I promptly stole and hid for future use. Got that base covered baby! Color matching my clothes used to be an exciting challenge that has deteriorated over the years into a closet full of boring colors that will match regardless of what is thrown together. I've lost what it takes to be a metrosexual before I ever felt comfortable enough to come out of the closet. Now, I'm just...sexual?

Today, when I see how society has opened it's arms in acceptance of metrosexuality, it is not without a sense of resentment that I recount my past struggles under a heavy-handed metropression. Kids these days have it so easy. Alas, the metrosexual fire that once burned so strongly within me, has been smothered to the point where there is no fight left in this old dog. Let my lifeless wardrobe of gray and blue (with a smidgeon of pink Hello Kitty) serve as a warning to future generations. Heed it's silent screams for a better future in which a rainbow of colors allows for a higher order of color coordination. After all, how can we possibly pave a road to a better future without full recognition of our shameful past?